Stupid

Jul. 27th, 2005 04:23 pm
chrysalitron: (Default)
[personal profile] chrysalitron
Once I got started on the whole Lucky/Rachel thing, I couldn't get it out of my head. So I figured if I wrote it down, then maybe.......eh, I don't know. I can't say I like it much, but it's been awhile since I wrote a story and it's high time I get back into the swing of things.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid."

He sits at the bar, alone. He knows that Liz will be worried, wondering where he is. He can picture her - wandering through their apartment with Cameron on her hip, picking up after him without even thinking about it, looking at the clock wondering where Lucky could be. He knows he should at least call her, alleviate her worry. After all, she might be pregnant. You can't worry a pregnant woman - that's just not the honorable thing to do.

Lucky snorts into his drink. Honor? He lost the last remnants of that when he agreed to Rachel's plot. But what does it matter, really? His damn honor is what got him into this mess.

Why couldn't he have been more like his father? Luke Spencer wouldn't have gotten so involved in Emily's drama. He wouldn't have taken a bullet for her, because he would have gotten the hell out of dodge the second he realized he might feel something for her. At the very least, he probably wouldn't have taken a bullet for a woman who didn't love him - who was in love with someone else, in fact.

But that's not Lucky. Lucky prided himself on being everything Luke wasn't. He stuck around, damn it. He didn't run when things got tough. He didn't push people away because his own feelings scared him. He didn't come up with desperate plots to get what he wanted. He was smarter than that. He was dependable. Loyal.

Honorable.

But honorable doesn't get the bills paid. His loyalty didn't stop the hospital from charging him for his stay there. His dependability didn't encourage the PCPD to work out a deal for him. All he got was a scar and a shitload of debt.

"Why don't you ask Nikolas for the money?" they all say. "He'll give it to you." Lucky knows this. He knows Nikolas would not hesitate to hand over the money. And yet, still, he refuses it. Because Lucky Spencer does not take handouts. He's not that low. He's not that pathetic.

Sure. He's only pathetic enough to let his girlfriend bail his ass out by getting knocked up with the local millionaire's kid.

What was he supposed to say when Elizabeth came up with her grand idea? He saw the look in her eyes. She was so hopeful, so happy that she could help him out. That was when he realized it - Liz didn't think he could handle this. She thought he was unable to get himself out of this hole. At that moment, he stopped being her hero, and instead, became her obligation.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid."

What was he supposed to say? She'd already made up her mind. Gone ahead and told Jax and Courtney she'd do it. She hadn't even considered Lucky's feelings, wondered what he might say. He had become irrelevant. He'd become a problem that needed to be solved, no matter what the cost.

He knew he should have put a stop to it right away, but truth was, he was hurting. He wanted to lick his wounds in private for awhile. Unfortunately, he didn't realize that while he was doing that, life would be going on without him. And next thing he knew, he was stuck. Stuck watching his girl have a baby with someone else. Because of him - because of what he'd done. Because he couldn't figure a way out.

He had tried so hard not to be Luke, and he had succeeded. Because there was no way in hell this would be happening to Luke Spencer. Luke Spencer would have stopped this before it started, no matter what he had to do.

No matter what.

So when Rachel Adair had approached him at GH, she'd seemed to be the answer to his prayers. He had been standing there, truly feeling the odd man out. Liz and Jax were bonding over the baby-to-be.....Courtney had taken off somewhere....and there was Lucky. Alone. Pathetic. Irrelevant.

"I think I could offer you a way out," she'd said. He didn't know what she was talking about at first. Why would Rachel want anything to do with him? But he'd let her pull him into an empty examination room and explain her plan. He didn't know why. Maybe he was just relieved that somebody was on his side. Maybe she made him feel relevant again, like he was part of the solution instead of the problem.

Maybe he was just relieved that somebody was offering him the chance to not be Lucky Spencer anymore.

So, he'd agreed to her plan. He'd been her lookout while she switched the eggs. Afterwards, they'd gone to this very same bar and toasted to getting what they wanted. Rachel would have an entry into Jax's life. Liz wouldn't. And Lucky's debt would be erased.

He was getting what he wanted. He shouldn't feel irrelevant or pathetic anymore. He'd found the way out. He'd done what needed to be done.

So why didn't he feel the least bit better? Why didn't he go home to the love of his life, to the boy he already loved like his own? Why did he sit here at this bar, throwing back drink after drink and feeling so damn empty?

He had stopped being Lucky Spencer. He had accomplished the one thing he thought he wanted, above all else. And yet......the only thing he wanted was to be himself again.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.
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